What are you worrying about?

Do you ever feel anxious and not know why? I hate when people ask “what are you anxious about?” or “what are you worrying about?”. I have no idea!

So I have work tomorrow, I’m back after a lovely Christmas/New Years. I love my job. The people are great and the experience I’m getting is invaluable! So why have I spent most of my time off worrying and feeling anxious about going back?

I’ve always been a worrier, sometimes so much in that getting out of my seat to get off the bus is an ordeal. It’s the strangest feeling in the world having anxiety and not knowing why. It’s impossible to explain it to somebody who hasn’t experienced it. When it’s bad, it’s awful. It feels like your awaiting some terrible news or you’re about to find out something awful has happened to a loved one. You search your mind for something, anything you can think of that may be worrying you, the cause, but you can’t find anything!

I have a family who care a lot about me and a boyfriend who I truly love so I always have someone to talk to when I start to feel anxious, but is it there really any point? I feel like after a while people get bored of it, which is fair enough. I think educating yourself about the causes of anxiety, seeing a counsellor and trying to find the source of your anxiety are the most important things you can do to try and fight it. It can be hard to do when you’re really on edge but crying and getting upset really helps me. It relieves some of my stress and makes me start to feel normal again (what is normal?, I know). I remember once, a few years ago, I couldn’t cry for 4 months. I tried, but literally couldn’t.

So as I said, I’m starting back at work tomorrow. I only have a few hours before I will go to bed and then get up at 6.20 am. But I will try my hardest to enjoy it and not worry about anything! I’ll probably fail and get upset before I got to bed. I’ll then probably wake up, go to work and have a grand old day and then regret wasting the time I had left worrying, but sure, this is the way I am and always have been!

Anxiety is something that can be controlled, I just need to learn how to control it.

A Bit About Me..

I’ve just finished my Masters degree, I ogot a great job the day I finished my course, I’m good looking (I’ve been told), I’m tall (almost 6ft), I have great social skills, a good family and the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for. So why me? Why is it that I’m like this with every single boyfriend I have ever gone out with?

I have honestly never been with one person that has made me feel like there is a chance that they might cheat or that they will go out intentionally to meet someone else. It’s never anything to do with them. It’s all me.

So I met the absolute love of my life last year. He’s everything any girl could ever want in a man. He cares for me so much and does everything he can to make me happy. This is what upsets me the most. I know how lucky I am but I can’t stop the insecurity and jealousy when it comes to other girls or being without him in general.

So for example, the other day I got upset thinking about my mum going back to Greece (she lives there now), so my boyfriend booked us a night in a very nice hotel right beside where they were staying so that I could spend a bit more time with her before she went back. I was so happy when he told me, he literally picked up his phone and booked it after I cried and told him I was going to miss her.

This is where things started to go wrong..So on new years night, at a party we were hosting, a message popped up on my boyfriends phone. It was from a girl he used to work with. It said something along the lines of “Happy New Years, reminds me of the Mexican place x”. Instantly I could feel myself getting so worked up inside. I knew who it was, she’s messaged him before and he explained to me they were just friends and all of that but none of that makes a difference to me when it first happens. It’s horrible, I feel so betrayed, so hurt. I instantly go quiet or the total opposite and get really angry. Then throughout the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering if he’s writing back to her, what they’re saying and so on. I feel sick to my stomach even now thinking about him and her messaging each other! But why? I have a few guy friends that I message and he never minds? Why is it that he can’t? He hasn’t seen or talked to her in months..

I just want it to go away. I always feel so unbelievably bad afterwards. I apologise over and over and he always makes me feel better and says it’s not a big deal but I know it is. I know he’d never do anything to hurt me and I do believe that but it’s an instant feeling I get that just doesn’t go away! I hate myself so much after an incident like this. To the point where I break down crying and sometimes even want to hurt myself (I never do).

I’ve been to counselling over it, it’s definitely helped me loads. I know I’m much better than I used to be but I still get very upset when I slip back into it. ┬áIt’s not an every day thing, or anywhere close. A lot of the time I won’t mind (well I won’t say anything) when he mentions something about a girl or whatever, it’s mostly when I’m caught off guard or I see a message etc.

I want to be the girlfriend that he deserves. I feel like I am in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I should try and stop being so hard on myself because I’m not a monster.