I can’t speak for anybody else but myself, but for me, learning to truly love someone, when you have insecurities about yourself, is a really hard process. In order to truly love someone, you must allow them to be free. This I have found quite difficult. I’m starting to realise that controlling your boyfriend isn’t truly loving them. Of course I love my boyfriend more than anything but I have to learn that he is his own person. He must be able to feel like he can do things on his own without being made feel as if it will upset me.
My problem is that when my boyfriend tells me he is going out with his friends or to a work colleagues, I get offended. I feel as though by him choosing to go out on a night out with his friends that he is choosing not to be with me. I often end up going quiet or coming up with a reason as to why I think he shouldn’t. The thoughts flood my mind; who else will be there? Will there be someone that catches his eye? Will he like her? Will he realise that he wants to be with someone else?
I feel that after he’s had his night out, and realised how fun it was without me, that he will begin to question does he really want to be with me. It scares me so much. I hate the dreaded feeling just after he tells me that he has a night out planned. I know I will spend every day up to the night out worrying and feeling very anxious about it.
Recently though, I have started to question myself about it. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because I have had people taken away from me as a child? Is it because I have insecurity issues and feel as though I am not good enough for him? The answer is yes. I have someone who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, who loves me and cares so much about me. Of course I am worried he will meet someone else or think I am boring etc. but I need to realise that won’t happen. He loves me as much as I love him and even if the worst thing happened and he did leave me, I would be OK. I would move on and find someone else when the time was right.
Two days ago my boyfriend told me that he was having a focus day in work and that he was going to stay on for a few drinks afterwards with everybody. I could feel my blood boiling, my anxiety filling my whole body and anger and hurt creeping in as I was reading the message but I decided to wait a few minutes before I responded. After I calmed down, I decided to reply to his message saying that it sounded like a good idea and that’s cool. This, I feel, is a major step for me. However, the next night, I asked what time he would be home. He said he’d be early, around 10/11. I told him that I would stay at home (in our flat) as opposed to going home (to my family home) if he wasn’t planning on staying out extremely late. He said he wasn’t going to stay out all night as we had our own event on the next night and didn’t want to be too tired (or hung over). I could instantly recognise this as being controlling. Asking him what time he would be home, telling him I was going to go back to my family home if he was going to be back very late, they’re just subtle ways of control. I know deep down I was saying this so that if he knew I was staying in our flat that he wouldn’t then decide to stay out late, that he would come home when he said he would.
My boyfriend isn’t the kind of guy who would ever do anything to cause me to lose trust in him. Yes, he could decide to stay out an extra hour or two with his work mates and that should be OK, I don’t want to feel so upset over something so minor. So I have decided to try my hardest not to react impulsively when this happens. I have decided to, instead of instantly getting angry, take a step back and think about the reasons as to why I am feeling this way. I want to love this man as well as I possibly can and try and avoid these situations. He deserves it and I deserve it. I deserve not to be at war with myself in my mind. I want to be free and not worry about the worst case scenarios all the time. Reacting this way will only damage our relationship and I sure as hell don’t want to lose him over something I can change. I need to learn to trust him completely. This process, in my opinion is learning to truly love.