I’ve just finished my Masters degree, I ogot a great job the day I finished my course, I’m good looking (I’ve been told), I’m tall (almost 6ft), I have great social skills, a good family and the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for. So why me? Why is it that I’m like this with every single boyfriend I have ever gone out with?
I have honestly never been with one person that has made me feel like there is a chance that they might cheat or that they will go out intentionally to meet someone else. It’s never anything to do with them. It’s all me.
So I met the absolute love of my life last year. He’s everything any girl could ever want in a man. He cares for me so much and does everything he can to make me happy. This is what upsets me the most. I know how lucky I am but I can’t stop the insecurity and jealousy when it comes to other girls or being without him in general.
So for example, the other day I got upset thinking about my mum going back to Greece (she lives there now), so my boyfriend booked us a night in a very nice hotel right beside where they were staying so that I could spend a bit more time with her before she went back. I was so happy when he told me, he literally picked up his phone and booked it after I cried and told him I was going to miss her.
This is where things started to go wrong..So on new years night, at a party we were hosting, a message popped up on my boyfriends phone. It was from a girl he used to work with. It said something along the lines of “Happy New Years, reminds me of the Mexican place x”. Instantly I could feel myself getting so worked up inside. I knew who it was, she’s messaged him before and he explained to me they were just friends and all of that but none of that makes a difference to me when it first happens. It’s horrible, I feel so betrayed, so hurt. I instantly go quiet or the total opposite and get really angry. Then throughout the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering if he’s writing back to her, what they’re saying and so on. I feel sick to my stomach even now thinking about him and her messaging each other! But why? I have a few guy friends that I message and he never minds? Why is it that he can’t? He hasn’t seen or talked to her in months..
I just want it to go away. I always feel so unbelievably bad afterwards. I apologise over and over and he always makes me feel better and says it’s not a big deal but I know it is. I know he’d never do anything to hurt me and I do believe that but it’s an instant feeling I get that just doesn’t go away! I hate myself so much after an incident like this. To the point where I break down crying and sometimes even want to hurt myself (I never do).
I’ve been to counselling over it, it’s definitely helped me loads. I know I’m much better than I used to be but I still get very upset when I slip back into it. It’s not an every day thing, or anywhere close. A lot of the time I won’t mind (well I won’t say anything) when he mentions something about a girl or whatever, it’s mostly when I’m caught off guard or I see a message etc.
I want to be the girlfriend that he deserves. I feel like I am in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I should try and stop being so hard on myself because I’m not a monster.