A Bit About Me..

I’ve just finished my Masters degree, I ogot a great job the day I finished my course, I’m good looking (I’ve been told), I’m tall (almost 6ft), I have great social skills, a good family and the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for. So why me? Why is it that I’m like this with every single boyfriend I have ever gone out with?

I have honestly never been with one person that has made me feel like there is a chance that they might cheat or that they will go out intentionally to meet someone else. It’s never anything to do with them. It’s all me.

So I met the absolute love of my life last year. He’s everything any girl could ever want in a man. He cares for me so much and does everything he can to make me happy. This is what upsets me the most. I know how lucky I am but I can’t stop the insecurity and jealousy when it comes to other girls or being without him in general.

So for example, the other day I got upset thinking about my mum going back to Greece (she lives there now), so my boyfriend booked us a night in a very nice hotel right beside where they were staying so that I could spend a bit more time with her before she went back. I was so happy when he told me, he literally picked up his phone and booked it after I cried and told him I was going to miss her.

This is where things started to go wrong..So on new years night, at a party we were hosting, a message popped up on my boyfriends phone. It was from a girl he used to work with. It said something along the lines of “Happy New Years, reminds me of the Mexican place x”. Instantly I could feel myself getting so worked up inside. I knew who it was, she’s messaged him before and he explained to me they were just friends and all of that but none of that makes a difference to me when it first happens. It’s horrible, I feel so betrayed, so hurt. I instantly go quiet or the total opposite and get really angry. Then throughout the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering if he’s writing back to her, what they’re saying and so on. I feel sick to my stomach even now thinking about him and her messaging each other! But why? I have a few guy friends that I message and he never minds? Why is it that he can’t? He hasn’t seen or talked to her in months..

I just want it to go away. I always feel so unbelievably bad afterwards. I apologise over and over and he always makes me feel better and says it’s not a big deal but I know it is. I know he’d never do anything to hurt me and I do believe that but it’s an instant feeling I get that just doesn’t go away! I hate myself so much after an incident like this. To the point where I break down crying and sometimes even want to hurt myself (I never do).

I’ve been to counselling over it, it’s definitely helped me loads. I know I’m much better than I used to be but I still get very upset when I slip back into it.  It’s not an every day thing, or anywhere close. A lot of the time I won’t mind (well I won’t say anything) when he mentions something about a girl or whatever, it’s mostly when I’m caught off guard or I see a message etc.

I want to be the girlfriend that he deserves. I feel like I am in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I should try and stop being so hard on myself because I’m not a monster.

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2 thoughts on “A Bit About Me..

  1. Thanks for the follow. Best of luck with your new blog and with healing your jealousy issues. I don’t know if you’re into alternative healing at all, but I’ve made the most progress on healing personal issues by going this route. Intuitives can be wonderful for helping discover the root causes of things such as anxiety.

    Like

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