The Battle In My Mind

untitled

It’s really annoying. I feel like sometimes my mind just takes over. Everything in my life is going fine and one day I’ll just start thinking about horrible things and spend hours worrying and feeling unhappy. For example, today, it’s Friday, I have a nice weekend planned, everything’s going great with my boyfriend but yet I feel like I’ve spent most of the day worrying about when he goes away in summer for a week with his friends.

I wish I could try and stay more positive and think happy thoughts a lot more but it can be very hard. It feels like I am at war with myself. I know I have nothing to worry about but yet I still do. It brings me down a lot. Imagining awful things happening. I try to remind myself that everything is OK and that I have nothing to worry about but it’s a habit I can’t seem to kick.

I hope one day I can look realistically at these thoughts and somehow manage to divert them. I want to be able to be happy about what I have and not worry that it will be taken away from me.

Learning To Love

untitled

I can’t speak for anybody else but myself, but for me, learning to truly love someone, when you have insecurities about yourself, is a really hard process. In order to truly love someone, you must allow them to be free. This I have found quite difficult. I’m starting to realise that controlling your boyfriend isn’t truly loving them. Of course I love my boyfriend more than anything but I have to learn that he is his own person. He must be able to feel like he can do things on his own without being made feel as if it will upset me.

 

My problem is that when my boyfriend tells me he is going out with his friends or to a work colleagues, I get offended. I feel as though by him choosing to go out on a night out with his friends that he is choosing not to be with me. I often end up going quiet or coming up with a reason as to why I think he shouldn’t. The thoughts flood my mind; who else will be there? Will there be someone that catches his eye? Will he like her? Will he realise that he wants to be with someone else?

 

I feel that after he’s had his night out, and realised how fun it was without me, that he will begin to question does he really want to be with me. It scares me so much. I hate the dreaded feeling just after he tells me that he has a night out planned. I know I will spend every day up to the night out worrying and feeling very anxious about it.

 

Recently though, I have started to question myself about it. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because I have had people taken away from me as a child? Is it because I have insecurity issues and feel as though I am not good enough for him? The answer is yes. I have someone who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, who loves me and cares so much about me. Of course I am worried he will meet someone else or think I am boring etc. but I need to realise that won’t happen. He loves me as much as I love him and even if the worst thing happened and he did leave me, I would be OK. I would move on and find someone else when the time was right.

 

Two days ago my boyfriend told me that he was having a focus day in work and that he was going to stay on for a few drinks afterwards with everybody. I could feel my blood boiling, my anxiety filling my whole body and anger and hurt creeping in as I was reading the message but I decided to wait a few minutes before I responded. After I calmed down, I decided to reply to his message saying that it sounded like a good idea and that’s cool. This, I feel, is a major step for me. However, the next night, I asked what time he would be home. He said he’d be early, around 10/11. I told him that I would stay at home (in our flat) as opposed to going home (to my family home) if he wasn’t planning on staying out extremely late. He said he wasn’t going to stay out all night as we had our own event on the next night and didn’t want to be too tired (or hung over). I could instantly recognise this as being controlling. Asking him what time he would be home, telling him I was going to go back to my family home if he was going to be back very late, they’re just subtle ways of control. I know deep down I was saying this so that if he knew I was staying in our flat that he wouldn’t then decide to stay out late, that he would come home when he said he would.

 

My boyfriend isn’t the kind of guy who would ever do anything to cause me to lose trust in him. Yes, he could decide to stay out an extra hour or two with his work mates and that should be OK, I don’t want to feel so upset over something so minor. So I have decided to try my hardest not to react impulsively when this happens. I have decided to, instead of instantly getting angry, take a step back and think about the reasons as to why I am feeling this way. I want to love this man as well as I possibly can and try and avoid these situations. He deserves it and I deserve it. I deserve not to be at war with myself in my mind. I want to be free and not worry about the worst case scenarios all the time. Reacting this way will only damage our relationship and I sure as hell don’t want to lose him over something I can change. I need to learn to trust him completely. This process, in my opinion is learning to truly love.

 

You’re not a monster

untitled

 

I know it’s hard to believe, especially when you’re feeling low, but you’re not a bad person. I felt for years, especially after being told by an ex-boyfriend, that I genuinely was. I thought that being jealous when in a relationship made me a horrible person and would often get really upset and down about it.

I decided to go and talk to a counsellor earlier this year after I was feeling quite miserable for a few weeks. She helped me so much. I’ve learned that I am not a bad person. I have insecurity issues from my childhood which has led to me feeling like this. I felt a relief in knowing that it wasn’t entirely my fault, that I was feeling this way for a reason. Her explanation of possible causes for my jealousy helped me to understand my emotions and understanding them often takes the power from them.

I know it’s hard to always think rationally when you feel the anxiety and jealousy building up but try your best to think about why you’re feeling like this? Is there something that has happened in you past that may be making you feel like this? Is it possible you may have abandonment issues? Have you been affected by your parents fighting/breaking up? Are you used to having things taken away from you? I know for me, the answer to all of these questions is yes.  Yes, I haven’t had the most brilliant childhood ever, but I’ve done brilliantly considering and need to start giving myself a bit of credit.

Stay positive and as Jess Glynne says “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”.

 

🙂

 

 

Almost There?

untitled

So I decided to go with “Almost There” as the title of my blog page. It came to mind when I was having a talk with my boyfriend about how I always feel so awful after I’ve acted in a jealous way. I told him how much I hated myself for not being able to contain it, to hold back these feeling until I can process them and act accordingly. As the loving and caring boyfriend that he is, he told me to stop beating myself up over it and that he would have reacted the same (I know he probably wouldn’t have). He also told me that from the first time he met me until now, just over a year, the change in my jealous issues has massively improved. He continued to say that even though I’m not 100%- I’m almost there.

What are you worrying about?

Do you ever feel anxious and not know why? I hate when people ask “what are you anxious about?” or “what are you worrying about?”. I have no idea!

So I have work tomorrow, I’m back after a lovely Christmas/New Years. I love my job. The people are great and the experience I’m getting is invaluable! So why have I spent most of my time off worrying and feeling anxious about going back?

I’ve always been a worrier, sometimes so much in that getting out of my seat to get off the bus is an ordeal. It’s the strangest feeling in the world having anxiety and not knowing why. It’s impossible to explain it to somebody who hasn’t experienced it. When it’s bad, it’s awful. It feels like your awaiting some terrible news or you’re about to find out something awful has happened to a loved one. You search your mind for something, anything you can think of that may be worrying you, the cause, but you can’t find anything!

I have a family who care a lot about me and a boyfriend who I truly love so I always have someone to talk to when I start to feel anxious, but is it there really any point? I feel like after a while people get bored of it, which is fair enough. I think educating yourself about the causes of anxiety, seeing a counsellor and trying to find the source of your anxiety are the most important things you can do to try and fight it. It can be hard to do when you’re really on edge but crying and getting upset really helps me. It relieves some of my stress and makes me start to feel normal again (what is normal?, I know). I remember once, a few years ago, I couldn’t cry for 4 months. I tried, but literally couldn’t.

So as I said, I’m starting back at work tomorrow. I only have a few hours before I will go to bed and then get up at 6.20 am. But I will try my hardest to enjoy it and not worry about anything! I’ll probably fail and get upset before I got to bed. I’ll then probably wake up, go to work and have a grand old day and then regret wasting the time I had left worrying, but sure, this is the way I am and always have been!

Anxiety is something that can be controlled, I just need to learn how to control it.

A Bit About Me..

I’ve just finished my Masters degree, I ogot a great job the day I finished my course, I’m good looking (I’ve been told), I’m tall (almost 6ft), I have great social skills, a good family and the most amazing boyfriend I could possibly ask for. So why me? Why is it that I’m like this with every single boyfriend I have ever gone out with?

I have honestly never been with one person that has made me feel like there is a chance that they might cheat or that they will go out intentionally to meet someone else. It’s never anything to do with them. It’s all me.

So I met the absolute love of my life last year. He’s everything any girl could ever want in a man. He cares for me so much and does everything he can to make me happy. This is what upsets me the most. I know how lucky I am but I can’t stop the insecurity and jealousy when it comes to other girls or being without him in general.

So for example, the other day I got upset thinking about my mum going back to Greece (she lives there now), so my boyfriend booked us a night in a very nice hotel right beside where they were staying so that I could spend a bit more time with her before she went back. I was so happy when he told me, he literally picked up his phone and booked it after I cried and told him I was going to miss her.

This is where things started to go wrong..So on new years night, at a party we were hosting, a message popped up on my boyfriends phone. It was from a girl he used to work with. It said something along the lines of “Happy New Years, reminds me of the Mexican place x”. Instantly I could feel myself getting so worked up inside. I knew who it was, she’s messaged him before and he explained to me they were just friends and all of that but none of that makes a difference to me when it first happens. It’s horrible, I feel so betrayed, so hurt. I instantly go quiet or the total opposite and get really angry. Then throughout the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering if he’s writing back to her, what they’re saying and so on. I feel sick to my stomach even now thinking about him and her messaging each other! But why? I have a few guy friends that I message and he never minds? Why is it that he can’t? He hasn’t seen or talked to her in months..

I just want it to go away. I always feel so unbelievably bad afterwards. I apologise over and over and he always makes me feel better and says it’s not a big deal but I know it is. I know he’d never do anything to hurt me and I do believe that but it’s an instant feeling I get that just doesn’t go away! I hate myself so much after an incident like this. To the point where I break down crying and sometimes even want to hurt myself (I never do).

I’ve been to counselling over it, it’s definitely helped me loads. I know I’m much better than I used to be but I still get very upset when I slip back into it.  It’s not an every day thing, or anywhere close. A lot of the time I won’t mind (well I won’t say anything) when he mentions something about a girl or whatever, it’s mostly when I’m caught off guard or I see a message etc.

I want to be the girlfriend that he deserves. I feel like I am in every other aspect of our relationship. I guess I should try and stop being so hard on myself because I’m not a monster.