Positivety

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I’ve been feeling pretty good the last few days! I have two great interviews lined up this week and I’m in the process of buying myself a new bike! (I’m a big cyclist). I’m going to try my hardest to keep on this positive vibe and really try hard to just be happy and appreciate what I have. Wish me luck 😛

 

Scared of Being Alone?

lonelinessI must say, I’m feeling a little bit confused at the moment. Many of you will know about my insecurities and trust issues in regards to when my boyfriend goes out. Of course, I know he is very much in love with me and would never cheat on me but I still feel sick to my stomach when I hear he’s going out with his friends. Anyway, this is not news but I’ve spent the morning reading up on articles and peoples posts about this issue. I noticed a few of them talked about separation anxiety? Could this be what is causing me to feel like this?

When I was small I lived with my mum and saw my dad from Thursday to Sunday. Every single week I would cry my heart out when I had to leave him and would spend most of the week feeling upset and lonely without him. I have friends now but nowhere near as much as I used to. Going back and forth between the two houses made it quite hard for me to stay in contact with my school friends as I would only ever see them when in school. When my boyfriend tells me he’s going out I don’t instantly think of him cheating on me, I actually feel anxious about finding someone I can hang out with when he’s not there.

So looking at that and the way I am now, could that be the cause of my anxiety? I’ve always felt as though I do trust my partner and partners from the past but the thought of them going out without me really scared me. I always find that making plans and going out myself when he is out makes things A LOT better. If I know I’m going out and doing my own thing I won’t mind him going out and will enjoy being out myself.

Does this mean I’m just scared of being alone? Scared of being without him? I have no idea. I am learning things about myself all the time and this blog is definitely helping me look deeper inside myself and find out why I’m feeling this way.

The Battle In My Mind

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It’s really annoying. I feel like sometimes my mind just takes over. Everything in my life is going fine and one day I’ll just start thinking about horrible things and spend hours worrying and feeling unhappy. For example, today, it’s Friday, I have a nice weekend planned, everything’s going great with my boyfriend but yet I feel like I’ve spent most of the day worrying about when he goes away in summer for a week with his friends.

I wish I could try and stay more positive and think happy thoughts a lot more but it can be very hard. It feels like I am at war with myself. I know I have nothing to worry about but yet I still do. It brings me down a lot. Imagining awful things happening. I try to remind myself that everything is OK and that I have nothing to worry about but it’s a habit I can’t seem to kick.

I hope one day I can look realistically at these thoughts and somehow manage to divert them. I want to be able to be happy about what I have and not worry that it will be taken away from me.

Learning To Love

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I can’t speak for anybody else but myself, but for me, learning to truly love someone, when you have insecurities about yourself, is a really hard process. In order to truly love someone, you must allow them to be free. This I have found quite difficult. I’m starting to realise that controlling your boyfriend isn’t truly loving them. Of course I love my boyfriend more than anything but I have to learn that he is his own person. He must be able to feel like he can do things on his own without being made feel as if it will upset me.

 

My problem is that when my boyfriend tells me he is going out with his friends or to a work colleagues, I get offended. I feel as though by him choosing to go out on a night out with his friends that he is choosing not to be with me. I often end up going quiet or coming up with a reason as to why I think he shouldn’t. The thoughts flood my mind; who else will be there? Will there be someone that catches his eye? Will he like her? Will he realise that he wants to be with someone else?

 

I feel that after he’s had his night out, and realised how fun it was without me, that he will begin to question does he really want to be with me. It scares me so much. I hate the dreaded feeling just after he tells me that he has a night out planned. I know I will spend every day up to the night out worrying and feeling very anxious about it.

 

Recently though, I have started to question myself about it. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because I have had people taken away from me as a child? Is it because I have insecurity issues and feel as though I am not good enough for him? The answer is yes. I have someone who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, who loves me and cares so much about me. Of course I am worried he will meet someone else or think I am boring etc. but I need to realise that won’t happen. He loves me as much as I love him and even if the worst thing happened and he did leave me, I would be OK. I would move on and find someone else when the time was right.

 

Two days ago my boyfriend told me that he was having a focus day in work and that he was going to stay on for a few drinks afterwards with everybody. I could feel my blood boiling, my anxiety filling my whole body and anger and hurt creeping in as I was reading the message but I decided to wait a few minutes before I responded. After I calmed down, I decided to reply to his message saying that it sounded like a good idea and that’s cool. This, I feel, is a major step for me. However, the next night, I asked what time he would be home. He said he’d be early, around 10/11. I told him that I would stay at home (in our flat) as opposed to going home (to my family home) if he wasn’t planning on staying out extremely late. He said he wasn’t going to stay out all night as we had our own event on the next night and didn’t want to be too tired (or hung over). I could instantly recognise this as being controlling. Asking him what time he would be home, telling him I was going to go back to my family home if he was going to be back very late, they’re just subtle ways of control. I know deep down I was saying this so that if he knew I was staying in our flat that he wouldn’t then decide to stay out late, that he would come home when he said he would.

 

My boyfriend isn’t the kind of guy who would ever do anything to cause me to lose trust in him. Yes, he could decide to stay out an extra hour or two with his work mates and that should be OK, I don’t want to feel so upset over something so minor. So I have decided to try my hardest not to react impulsively when this happens. I have decided to, instead of instantly getting angry, take a step back and think about the reasons as to why I am feeling this way. I want to love this man as well as I possibly can and try and avoid these situations. He deserves it and I deserve it. I deserve not to be at war with myself in my mind. I want to be free and not worry about the worst case scenarios all the time. Reacting this way will only damage our relationship and I sure as hell don’t want to lose him over something I can change. I need to learn to trust him completely. This process, in my opinion is learning to truly love.

 

You’re not a monster

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I know it’s hard to believe, especially when you’re feeling low, but you’re not a bad person. I felt for years, especially after being told by an ex-boyfriend, that I genuinely was. I thought that being jealous when in a relationship made me a horrible person and would often get really upset and down about it.

I decided to go and talk to a counsellor earlier this year after I was feeling quite miserable for a few weeks. She helped me so much. I’ve learned that I am not a bad person. I have insecurity issues from my childhood which has led to me feeling like this. I felt a relief in knowing that it wasn’t entirely my fault, that I was feeling this way for a reason. Her explanation of possible causes for my jealousy helped me to understand my emotions and understanding them often takes the power from them.

I know it’s hard to always think rationally when you feel the anxiety and jealousy building up but try your best to think about why you’re feeling like this? Is there something that has happened in you past that may be making you feel like this? Is it possible you may have abandonment issues? Have you been affected by your parents fighting/breaking up? Are you used to having things taken away from you? I know for me, the answer to all of these questions is yes.  Yes, I haven’t had the most brilliant childhood ever, but I’ve done brilliantly considering and need to start giving myself a bit of credit.

Stay positive and as Jess Glynne says “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”.

 

🙂

 

 

Almost There?

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So I decided to go with “Almost There” as the title of my blog page. It came to mind when I was having a talk with my boyfriend about how I always feel so awful after I’ve acted in a jealous way. I told him how much I hated myself for not being able to contain it, to hold back these feeling until I can process them and act accordingly. As the loving and caring boyfriend that he is, he told me to stop beating myself up over it and that he would have reacted the same (I know he probably wouldn’t have). He also told me that from the first time he met me until now, just over a year, the change in my jealous issues has massively improved. He continued to say that even though I’m not 100%- I’m almost there.